Feel like giving up yet? Yep - I did too, 3 or 4 or even, let’s face it, 10 days into a ‘cleanse/detox/dry-any month of the year.
As I’m sitting here trying to come up with ideas for at least 5 more blog posts I came across this little gem in my journal from February of 2019 [see? I wasn’t lying when I said that this journey to sobriety really was a years long trek up hill, both ways, barefoot, and in the snow].
“WHY do I drink’? Well that’s a doozy of a question isn’t it? Why does anyone drink? Because it’s socially acceptable to ingest poison? Because it’s fun? Because it’s relaxing? All of the above please.
“I drink because it’s makes me feel happy. It alleviates my anxiety, to relax; after a long day I feel like I deserve it. To have fun in social situations. So I don’t have to ‘adult’ - I care about so little when I’m drinking - almost carefree. The kids are driving me crazy. To celebrate - anything really. ‘Oh it’s Flag Day? Cheers!’. Because I had a bad day. I basically use ANY AND ALL excuses to drink because I THINK it will make me feel better”.
Huh. All of that still rings true almost 3 years later, but here’s the cold, hard truth that no one really wants to hear:
Alcohol doesn’t make you feel better - anyone who has ever experienced a hangover knows that.
Alcohol doesn’t make you happy - alcohol is a depressant. Yes, 5 or 6 drinks in I was feeling good - ready to party all night long, talk to my friends for hours [you know who are and I’m so sorry for the all drunk dials] - until I wasn’t. I was capable of doing a complete emotional 180 in half a second - I would go from elated to crying, like real ugly crying, in a ball, in the corner of my shower clutching a razor to my wrist wanting nothing more in the world than to end it all - end all the pain.
Alcohol does not alleviate anyone’s anxiety - all it does is exacerbate it. The first 2 or 3 drinks would make me feel euphoric - I was so happy and excited about everything - but then I would start to think about all the things I still needed to do: take Cohen to baseball practice [cuts into my drinking time - immediate anxiety], possible DUI because let’s face it - I was drinking the second I got off work - maybe even WHILE I was working]; I need to cook dinner - [which hardly ever happened] - SO I would start to drink more to try to get rid of that anxiety and would end up passed out in bed by 7:00. At which point I would toss and turn all night long thinking about how shitty I was going to feel the next day and all of the things I needed to accomplish while simultaneously feeling like absolute hot shit.
Alcohol does make social situations more fun - there’s no way around that one, and I’m still struggling with that and I’ve isolated a lot over the past year. I lost myself in booze and I have to re-learn how to socialize without drinking - for someone with pretty intense anxiety it’s a tough one. But I’m getting there.
When I start to have doubts about why I quit drinking I like to go back through my pictures and my journals and remember all the positive things that I have gained being alcohol free: I’ve saved a grip of money, I don’t have hangovers anymore [though sometimes I wake up and don’t feel the best - this morning is a perfect example, I have a horrendous headache which automatically takes me back to my drinking days, and I feel like I’m being robbed - I feel like I have a hangover without the fun involved in obtaining said hangover - romanticizing the drug is the WORST and I still find myself doing this], no more risk of DUI [I can get pulled over if I want to LOL], more patience for my kids, I lost weight [not as much as I hoped but that’s my own fault - it’s time to kick the sweets], I have more energy, I don’t black out anymore and wake up wondering what happened the night before, my husband and I definitely, 100% have WAY better sex, my skin looks better and my face isn’t bloated anymore, I’m way more productive with my free time, my depression symptoms have improved dramatically [coupled with Lexapro and a therapist], I’m a more positive person, I’ve learned new things like how to raise chickens, grow and can my own food, and make ultra-awesome stuff with my Cricut. Oh and I learned how to blog.
Sit down and write down all of the positives that you think you’ll gain from not drinking, and put that shit in your phone so you can remind yourself, no matter where you are, all of your why’s.
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